Over two weeks ago, my husband and I experienced a miscarriage, our second one this year. Heartbroken, devastated, grieving, angry, confused…are all words to sum up the last two weeks. So I did what I do best, I decided to move on, to focus on work, school, our fur-baby and worship at church-and to do everything possible to not focus on my reality. In essence- I ran away. First emotionally, and then physically.You see, in the middle of my grieving, I found myself home alone, sick and pouring my heart out to God. I desperately needed His comfort and strength to get through the moments, days and weeks to come. I found peace in being able to trust God with my heart in that moment. But God was asking more of me. He was asking if I trusted Him with the future of our family; did I trust Him for more than that moment? It was that decision I was running away from.
So I found myself in the Ozark Mountains on a much needed weekend get away with my husband. I knew that this time was needed to reconnect our relationship after two weeks of disconnection. Yet, I didn’t realize how much God and I needed this weekend as well. If you know me at all, you know that my love language with Jesus is nature. Place me in a forest of trees or by the ocean, paint the sky with clouds, stars or a sunset, or interrupt my thoughts with a bluebird or a tiny chipmunk and I can find so much joy in the artistic beauty and intricate design of my Creator. So it was in this place, surrounded by trees, birds and a beautiful waterfall that God got my attention.
I realized that my struggle to trust is often related to my struggle with perspective. We only see life through our eyes; we see the pain, we experience the fear and we hear the absolutes, diagnoses’, and limits told by other people. The static caused by our circumstances is often louder than the assurance of God’s promise’s.
To trust God inside our pain starts with believing that He is bigger than our biggest circumstances. It means being able to give God even our most treasured of dreams and trusting that He knows better. And it means choosing to not lose hope even when it seems that all hope is lost.
In the book of John, before His arrest, Jesus is telling His disciples about His return to heaven. They are saddened by this news because He is their mentor, leader, teacher and friend. Their entire world is about to be turned upside down in the coming days. To make matters worst, Jesus tells them that they will be “scattered, each one going his own way” (John 16:32). The small community of 12 around them is about to be scattered and with it will come trials too numerous to mention. Jesus does not promise that they will be okay, that they will never feel pain, or that the road ahead is easy. He instead empowers them, “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart because I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
When my perspective becomes focused on my earthly life and the heartbreaking pain that occurs in a single moment, I know that I am prone to take back my trust. Yet, when I choose to focus on eternity and the promise and hope of Jesus’ love for me and my salvation, I know that even if my life does not play out the way I expect it to, God’s plans for me are better than my most beautiful dreams. God is trustworthy, in this moment and in all the moments to come.
If you are in a season of struggle, I encourage you to take heart and trust that even in the most painful, broken, and confusing of circumstances, Jesus has already overcome the world.